09 June 2017

Confidence with style. Confidence in me.

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Confidence with style.

I remember way back in 2014 when I started this blog. I was nervous to be in front of a camera. I was a bit afraid to put my "style" out there. It's not like my style is very flamboyant. I just wasn't confident. I remember why I started this blog. I remember doing it on a whim. I hadn't realized what hard work and dedication had to be put into something like this. After a while, I realized that I am the face of this blog. What if people don't like my face? What if I'm not enough? I don't feel like I am.

Back in 2014, I wanted people to like the content. I still do, but I'm not stressed about approval anymore. Back then I was most nervous about shedding the image that everyone already had of mez and putting myself out there. I'm not talking about people online. I'm talking about people closest to me. I was terribly dressed and comfortable with it because I lacked confidence to step out and shine bright. The change was subtle and then it wasn't. 

Sometime in high school, I had bought a proper pair of heels. It wasn't until after I started this blog that I had purchased another pair of heels. Ankle boots have always been my favorite. Before blogging, I would only wear ankle boots on occasions. I would only dress up when I needed my photos to be taken. I would crawl back into the shell that I was so desperately trying to be free of. Photoshoots were the worst. Because I lacked in the confident deparment, everything was terrible and I hated every picture. I would ask for my picture to be taken over and over until I gave up and settled for whatever I had. Sometime I didn't use the photos and opted for picture of the city. Other times I just didn't post because I was walking Goo Goo Dolls lyrics.

And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand

As time went on, I would begin to get dressed up just because. I became comfortable with people staring. Sometimes I'd get a smile and other times I'd get compliments. Sometimes compliments weird me out, but I appreciate them nonetheless and I can accept them. I began to wear dresses and felt good in them. Wearing black made me feel like a rockstar and I love how badass that is. Eventually, I added color to my wardrobe. As a girl dripping with melanin, I know that bright and bold colors work. I know those colors make my skin tone pop and sometime I glow. I didn't feel comfortable with wearing color before. I've worn black my entire life. Well, watch out world. I've built a confident monster and I'm not afraid to strut anymore. I'm going to wear my dresses full of colors and my ankle boots anywhere and at anytime. I'm going wear patterns that I love, but to self-conscious to wear. I'm going "Oops! I did it again" whenever I wear something new or that I love. I'm walking down the path that I am preaching about. It feels so good to be walking on sunshine!

Confidence in me.

I'm not sure when or how this happened either. Confidence in myself was like a vivid dream that somehow transferred into reality. One day I met up with my godbrother. He is my usual photographer. He knows me well enough to know I never like public spaces. I usually like to find secluded places because I was self-conscious in front of a camera and would disappear when people walk by. I was so nervous about small things. I tended to hide or walk away and just forget about the shoot. I used to get so frustrated when being photographed. I didn't have much confidence in what I looked like before. As if the evolution of my style wasn't enough, I now had to find it in myself to be comfortable in my skin. That was hard for me. I live in one of the most recognized cities in the world and everyone likes to stare. 

Sometime in the past couple of months, I had a bunch of photos taken of me. I only realized two photoshoots later, that I wasn't nervous behind the camera or in front of people. That was new and exciting. It made the shoot after that more fun. I don't cower away anymore. I don't care if people walk by even if they're photobombing. I sit in front of the camera and dance. I'm a terrible dancer, but it's how I function while being photographed.  I even posted a selfie not too long ago. I NEVER take selfies, but I was feeling it. I only took one and posted the photo before I'd regret it. It's still on IG. It's a miracle that it's still there. I believe in myself more and more. Let stranger was by and stare. I'm not the same self-conscious person I was when I started or even a few months ago.

From me to you.

I genuinely understand what it's like to be self-conscious. At times I still feel like a self-conscious, anxious freak. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. Always remember that everything will be okay. Take the time you need away to work on yourself or keep pushing through like I did. Keep facing those fears and keep kicking them in the butt. I became self-conscious when I stepped in front of a camera or when I was putting myself out there for the world to see, but that was it. Whether it be one thing that makes you feel that way or other things, don't let it bring you down. Talk loud. Shine brighter. Be prouder. You are everything. Remember:

You are you and that is beautiful.

All the love as always,

Darianne xx


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